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"You're a real prize, you are, Bentley!"
AAA's compilation of excuses for no-shows...
can you tell which are completely genuine and which are implausible?
Cough, cough-- (gravelly throated) uh, Boss?

Well, you see, my boyfriend's friend's cousin, her mother is a total flake and her three kids are getting taken away by Social Servoces and she's going to jail, and my boyfriend is working, his cousin is out of town and so you can see that I have to stay home and watch them.
My stigmata's acting up. 
The hot water tap broke on the bathtub.
I got my truck stuck in the car wash yesterday, messed up my back and cut my hands pushing it out, so don't look for me until the end of the week.
I have nausea, dizziness, body aches and vomiting. These are secondary symptoms brought on by the birth of my child yesterday.
I am calling in because I do not feel up to par today.
Sorry I'm late, I had to pawn my alarm clock.
My cat got ran over by a motorcycle and I need to take it to the vet...
OR My parents are out of town and the dogs, the cats, and the bird do not like to be left home alone...
OR My parents dog died...
OR My roommate's horse overate and he has been walking it since midnight, I need to walk the horse so it doesn't lay down and die...
OR My cat was alarmed at my sleep-talking and jumped off the bed, knocked the alarm off the dresser, the batteries fell out so I overslept...
OR The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.   
My baby has worms coming out of her mouth!
I can't make it today --my hair won't start.
I broke the straps on my prosthetic leg, have a bad sore on my stump and can't walk. 
Sorry I did not show up yesterday, I locked myself in the bathroom.
Had to be rushed to hospital for coffee burns on my lap-- be in tomorrow!
I'm not coming in because I need a mental day...
ORYes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
OR My shrink put me on a depressant pill yesterday and I was up all night wired. I'm in zombieland right now and I don't want to drive in fear of an accident, or run the machines in fear of getting hurt or dismembered. I need the rest of the week off cause my body needs to adjust to the medication; the last three days as vacation days because I've missed too much time already and I can't afford to miss anymore...
OR I won't be in to work today. My brain is full...
OR The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled...
OR I have amnesia and am not even sure if I work at your store...
OR My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today...
OR If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today...
OR I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? 
Sorry boss, I stayed home to wait for the cable guy.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I won't be into work today, I just got a letter saying that I may have won 20 million dollars.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The sole came off of my son's sneaker. I have to wait until the mall opens at 10:00 to buy him some new ones. He doesn't have another pair. The bank opens at 9:00; I have to go by there and take out a loan for the new shoes. Be there as soon as I can.
A snowplow was stuck in front of my driveway. Here, look at the Polaroids™.
I went to Mexico last night with some friends and on the way back across the border we got detained by the police. They took us to the station and questioned us and kept us up all night, but they finally let us go in the morning.
The pharmacy is making up some cream for me today-- so don't look for me until tomorrow...
OR Constipation has made me a walking time bomb...
OR When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it...
OR I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... 
I was stepping down out of my trailer and I missed the step and when I landed on the ground I messed up my back...
OR My dog dug a hole through the wall trying to get to a rabbit under my trailer. I have to get it patched because the trailer is for sale and someone is coming to look at it tomorrow.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
Friends of mine perform in a band. They have a really important gig. Sorry, I have to go to a bar and listen to some bad music.
I accidentally threw away my jewelry, that was in a zip lock bag in the dumpster, after I got back from vacation. I have to try and find it.
My front door fell off my house!
A SWAT team closed off the street because a disgruntled ex-employee shot several people; I can't finish my service route because there are snipers on the roof.
Due to the bad storm, my electricity is off and can't get my car out of the garage because it's an electric door opener and live too far out to catch a ride with someone else.
I have to clean up my back yard before Monday or I'm going to get a big fine!
I converted to Krishnaism and since it's the Maharishi Guru's birthday and I have to go to the temple to worship. It worked.
I can't come in today because the lady at the end of the road has just hung her wash out to dry and I don't want to drive down the road, cause dust, and she'll have to do her wash again.
Can't make it in. I have a chance of filling in for someone on jury duty.
My boy friend left the bedroom window open last night and it was too cold to get out of bed this morning...
OR I was taking out the trash at my girlfriend's apartmentwhen the bag ripped open and spilled garbage on my clothes. I have to go home and do my laundry because this was my last clean shirt...
OR My wife is too sick to get out of bed, so I'm staying home to take care of her...
OR I went to a party on Saturday, met a girl, we've been in bed ever since. I'm getting tired now and will be there in an hour or so...
OR My wife's breasts are sore after her breast enlargement so I need to stay home and massage her tits...
OR My husband had a vasectomy yesterday and his balls are enlarged, so I need to stay home and help him ice them...
OR My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I want to be there when it happens...
OR I won't be able to come to work next week. We're trying for a baby and the doc says next week is the best chance...
OR Last night a friend I haven't seen in a long time came over and gave me a bear hug and broke one of my ribs, so I won't be in today...
OR My girlfriend's house had almost caught on fire the night before, and I'm tired...
OR My girlfriend's husband is dying and I have to be there, to console her...
OR My boyfriend and I were having sex and he decided to handcuff me to the bedpost, and he forgot to bring the key so I had to wait till he came back with it, and it was late the next day he loved it...
I was here-- you know how the copier is out again? Well, I was under the desk trying to fix it. I don't know how you couldn't see me, my legs were sticking out far enough to trip you.
I can't come in to work today, I'm gay.
I saw and alligator on the side of the road and stopped to help the game warden capture it...
OR We were late to work because we had to pull off the road to watch the whales while they were breaching. 
I was breaking the ice in the freezer with a knife and hit the whatchamicallit that gives the freon to the freezer and it is leaking freon; as its a hazardous substance, I have to stay home and wait for the Haz-Chem people to get here.
I didn't come to work because I forgot to.
My sister stole my money and I am out looking for her.
I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night. My boyfriend hit me over the head with a speaker and I'm kind of messed up...
OR I felt so sick that I didn't feel like getting out of bed to get to the telephone to call in sick...
OR The blankets were too heavy for me to lift so I was stuck in bed all day.
I won't be in today because I can't find my clothes.
Sorry I overslept my first day of work on this new job. Is it OK to come in tomorrow?
You'll never believe it!  I was heading here with plenty of time to be on time, when my car tires got stuck in the streetcar tracks!  I could drive forward and backwards but I couldn't turn off the tracks. I knew I couldn't safely stay there, so I did the only thing I could. I drove all the way down to the rail yards and then drove out free at the barns. I'm sure you know how far away the rail yards are from work. It took me an extra half hour just to drive back! That's why I'm late.
I can't come to work today, the chain came off my bicycle.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
I'll be a little late today. I washed my car yesterday and then parked it right away but I set the parking brake and now one wheel is stuck. I would drive my wife's car, but the last time this happened, I just drove the car until the wheel broke free, but this time it stayed stuck and now my car is in the middle of the road, so I really need to fix it before I come in.
I won't be able to make it to work today due to my aunt flying in from Richmond; you see, she has one arm and two pieces of luggage and really needs me to be there for her.
I am not coming in because I tried to dye my hair blonde, but it came out green!
I spent my paycheck on lottery tickets, and I'm out of gas 'till payday...
OR Sorry I'm late, I had to buy a lottery ticket and there was a line.
Can't make it today, because my computer caught a virus.
There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders.

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