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ON ADS & APPLICANT CLAIMS...

"I hope you're not after another pay raise."

ON HELP WANTED ADS...
(AND WHAT THEY MEAN)

"COMPETITIVE SALARY":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE":
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED":
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED":
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY":
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL":
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED":
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON":
If you're old, fat or ugly (or have a wart on your nose) you'll be told the position has been filled; commonly seen in food service ads.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE":
We've filled the job; our call for résumé is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST":
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS":
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS":
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

ON APPLICANTS...
(AND WHAT THEY MEAN)

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION":
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE":
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES":
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK":
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE":
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL":
I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE":
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO":
I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED":
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

AWARDS

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